DEEP RELIEF
“God is light, pure light.”
I didn’t even realize it. Sure, my grey matter knew all the details, the predictions, the possibilities. But I’m realizing that if I tune into my actual physical body, it provides a fuller picture of the my overall health as a human being trying to navigate this crazy world. My body was definitely showing signs of carrying a constant level of stress. I had simply acclimated to it.
My heart always skips a beat when I see the email come through: New Test Result Available. The temptation to click thru right that very second is nearly impossible to resist. I had just landed from Flight Number 1. J. had been sent to the back row of the plane so I texted him. “I’m gonna wait for you so we can look together. “
Then I tapped my toe and fidgeted and my eyes darted around trying to distract my heart and the dread that was building.
We found a place to eat, ordered and opened up my health app. Okay. This was it.
My Onco type score was in! Yay! We would finally know whether I needed chemo or not!
I clicked on the report. Nothing. I opened the doctor notes. It said to review the results at my next appointment.
Grrrr.
Unable to login any other way, my mind started to race. How could I find out the score? I NEEDED to know. NOW.
A quick search led me to the number for the cancer center. I got put on hold. The minutes ticked by. My impatience grew. Exponentially.
What about S. or S.? (Our renters) Were either of them home? YES! S. graciously ran upstairs, jumped on my Mac and logged into my health records. He found it! He could see the report! And you know how kind and respectful he is? Instead of reading it to me over the phone, he offered to take photos and send them to me.
What. A. Guy.
I knew my score needed to be under 25 for my age group. I opened the image.
I CRIED.
Right there sitting in the middle of a San Diego airport restaurant.
IT WAS 10.
10.
TEN.
Reading the fine print we noticed that scores 10 and under don’t even make the graphs or charts. Like scores under 10 don’t even exist or deserve any notice at all.
THANK YOU JESUS. 🙏🏻
NO CHEMO FOR ME.
At that very moment, it all started slowly oozing out. The moments, days, weeks and months of waiting. With my type of cancer the path takes time to form, the puzzle pieces aren’t there at the moment of diagnosis like they are with more aggressive cancer. But now, NOW…we made it over the top of the mountain.
Tumor removed. ✅
Sentinel lymph nodes clear. ✅
Onco type score low risk. ✅
The next 24 hours were more than I could have ever asked for, the absolutely PERFECT celebration of my good news. We were traveling to a very special wedding. Our son, A., spent nine months in Korea on a youth exchange in 2012-2013, living with the K. family. Their daughter, W., had graciously invited us to attend her wedding in Seattle, and son A. joined us.
OH MY ACHING HEART.
I had planned the trip as a small glimmer of hope amongst all the appointments, treatments and stress. Our flight was cancelled. Rebooked into two legs. A long day of travel with residual pain/itching/swelling + a recently acquired head cold = one tired Ellen. I loaded up on meds, we meticulously adorned ourselves in our black tie apparel and sauntered down the street to the stunning venue.
SO MANY TEARS.
A.’s host brother greeted us at the door and the smiling DID NOT CEASE the entire evening. My face still hurts, and so does my heart. We took our places beside the family of the bride - what an HONOR. They don’t speak English. We don’t speak Korean. BUT WE LOVED EACH OTHER WELL.
When the bride came over to greet me, I inquired, “Do your parents know about my breast cancer?” She nodded. She explained that while they traveled halfway around the world they worried and prayed and thought of me the entire time, hoping I was okay. I shared the good news with the bride. She quickly updated her parents and aunts and cousins and grandma.
AND THEN WE ALL CRIED.
And hugged. And smiled.
And CELEBRATED.
We hadn’t seen them in nine years. We have no way to communicate, except through the kids. And, sitting there under the sweet white blossoms, celebrating the love of a Korean woman for a Chinese man with a family we are forever bonded to, watching our son and their son laugh and tease and poke at each other, it was like God Himself sweeping us all into His arms and showering us with blessings beyond measure.
How can it be that I deserve this? Prayers and support and love and concern. From Korea. Colombia. Brasil. Germany. Wisconsin. Montana. Colorado. Virginia. Washington D.C. California. South Dakota. North Carolina. Texas. Fairmont. Ceylon. Granada. New Ulm. Mankato. Jordan. Elko. Apple Valley. Eagan. Savage. Eden Prairie. Chanhassen. Shakopee. Our basement. My husband.
We are ALL held, even when we don’t feel it. Especially when we most desperately need it. God truly does have the entire world in His hands. And that night, he filled my heart and soul with LOUD reminders of His goodness. It was the perfect celebration of the victories so far in this journey. The joy of receiving such wonderful news followed by an evening of love and connection was the antidote I needed to release the weight of fears I no longer needed to carry. There is always light - SO MUCH LIGHT - and as I basked in the love and care of the One Who Made Me, I was beloved.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ”
Perfectly Loved by Rachael Lamp & Tobymac
(click to listen)
Ooh, even when you were running
Even when you were hiding
Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved
When you barely believed it
When your eyes couldn't see it
Every single moment, you've always been perfectly loved
Ooh, perfectly loved
You've always been perfectly
In the hands of the Infinite
As the wounds of the world became His
See the kindness Heaven has for you
And how He's always been drawing you in
