THE JOURNEY BEGINS
“GOD IS FAITHFUL.”
Just a routine screening mammogram. I hate them. Detest them. Continually procrastinate scheduling them, because IT HURTS. It’s a pinching, skin-stretching pain while standing awkwardly exposed, arm contorted upwards as I clench my teeth, avert my eyes and hold my breath until it’s over. The truth is, the procedure only lasts a few minutes. Still, when it’s over, I quickly discard my cozy, quilted mint green robe, retrieve my clothes from the locker and try not to skip as I hurry out.
To celebrate, I bask in the sunlight in a booth at my favorite pizza place, digging into a new travel memoir from the library. My server is friendly and chatty, my “dead” pizza is deliciously satisfying and the relief fills me up as I am now free from the dreaded squishing machine for another year. Woohoo!
Smiling ear-to-ear, I slip and slide across the snow packed parking lot, tummy full and all revved up to enjoy the bright sunny day. As I descend the hill alongside the mighty Minnesota River, I see the typical notification on my phone that I have new test results. At the next red light, my curiosity gets the best of me and I speed scan the results.
Your recent breast imaging examination on 1/5/23 showed a finding that requires further imaging evaluation. There is an asymmetry in the right breast at the 3 o'clock position at middle depth.
RECOMMENDATION: Ultrasound
My heart stops. I feel a bit sick to my stomach. What? Something showed up? This hasn’t happened before. Does this mean it’s serious? I send a screen shot to J. who is snowmobiling with good friends. We exchange confused, cautious concerns but decide it’s no cause for alarm. Yet.
I then text my friend R. She tells me she has had this happen two times. Twice. Nothing to fear. She and her husband pray for me and I feel my emotions start to settle.
As I walk in the house I say to myself, “Nothing to fear. You just have weird boobs.” Then I do some shoveling, throw the Frisbee for Gracie and ask R. to commit to checking in with me periodically, as J. is out of town. I have plans to play pickle ball later and can already feel myself withdrawing. No! I’m not going down that road today. I ask for help and accountability as preventative measures.
At home, my “Morning Praise” Spotify playlist automatically jumps to the next song, and I crank it up and belt out the TRUTH.
The scheduler calls to set up the ultrasound and says I need to also schedule a biopsy, just in case. Prayer requests go out; bible verses, good wishes, kind words boomerang back.
AND THEN FEAR COMES KNOCKING.
“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” -Jesus (Mark 4:40)
I’m sitting and looking at the door. It’s open.
Fear: “C’mon in! We’ve saved a place for you!”
Me: “Um, I’m not sure I’m interested right now.”
Fear: “What? Have you seen our menu? Today’s special is a main course of anxiety, your choice of one side (worry, doubt, despair or panic), and to top off the evening we have a complimentary bowl of numbing escapism. Is it just a party of one tonight?”
Me: “Yeah, I’m all alone.” But then I realize, I’m NOT alone. I am NEVER alone. The Spirit is always right here with me.
I get up, walk to the door, slam it shut and lock it.
Wandering around the house looking for something to occupy my thoughts, my phone starts to buzz. It’s another girlfriend. Who RARELY calls me. Hmm, seems a bit suspicious, but I pick up. Lighthearted conversation ensues as we catch up, and eventually I learn that she too has had a follow-up ultrasound and biopsy with a positive outcome. Phew! Looks like I’m being given some real hope, comfort and peace. God’s perfect timing.
I buckle myself in for the (what I expect to be) short journey, refusing to acknowledge fear, speaking and thinking and singing and writing truth, covered in prayer and protection.
Let’s see what unfolds.
139 / Dead of Night by Leeland
(click to listen)
If I ascend to the Heavens, You’re there
If I make my bed in Sheol, You’re with me
If I arise on the wings of the dawn
If I sink in the sea, there Your hand will find me
Ooh, there is no deepest depth, highest height
With You, even the dark is light, dark is light
When you cry, when you fall, when you hurt
I’ll be with you
Through it all in your tears and your fears
Don’t you worry
I am near, I am here, I’ll be there
With you in the dead of night
