ULTRASOUNDS & BIOPSIES & MAMMOGRAMS OH MY!
“He alone is my Rock.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
My nubby (see footnote for explanation on “nubby”) is so cute. What a guy. He willingly offered to go to the girliest place in the city: The Jane Brattain Breast Center. We were both desperately trying not to borrow trouble, so I assured him they probably wouldn’t find anything and I would be back home in a jiffy.
For the past week, I had practiced resisting fear and transferring all my scrambled emotions into a deep trust in the One who made me, the One who was not surprised by anything in my life, the One whose faithfulness was the foundation I was standing on.
As I drove to the ultrasound, Fear pulled out all the stops, climbed into the back seat with a pack of hecklers and taunted me louder and louder until it felt like the voices were screaming all around me as pulled into the parking lot. Time for battle! Prayer requests were sent. Prayers rose up. I kept repeating to myself, “One step at a time. One step at a time. Don’t borrow trouble.”
…
*cricket* *cricket* *cricket*
…
On today's ultrasound, there is a correlating 0.8 x 0.6 x 0.5 cm indistinct hypoechoic shadowing mass at 2:00. No enlarged right axillary lymph nodes.
IMPRESSION: ACR BI-RADS CATEGORY 4: Suspicious abnormality. Biopsy should be considered.
Well, that escalated quickly.
As I twisted my neck to see the screens in the ultrasound room, I grabbed my phone and started shooting pics. Noticing a white square around a suspicious looking starry white area, my heart sank. The AirPod in my right ear blared, “I give you my worship, you still deserve it, You’re worthy, You’re worthy, You’re worthy of my song”.
It matters what you allow into your mind and heart.
In that moment, the only thing allowed to permeate my being was praise. Worship. Belief. Truth.
The doctor arrived and spoke words I will never forget: “I’m concerned.” These same words would be repeated later by the biopsy doctor. “I’m concerned.”
I’m sort of glad that I didn’t really know all the details of how a breast biopsy is done. The worst part of it for me was having my female parts on display for a man who wasn’t my husband. Yes, I realize that to medical personnel it’s just body parts. But anxiety and fear and shame were pushing their way into the procedure room, despite being incredibly unwelcome and uninvited.
A feature of wearing Airpods connected to an iPhone is that Siri will announce and read any text message as it is received. In God’s perfect timing, beautiful, encouraging and true words came from our dear “daughter” K. RIGHT AS THE NUMBING NEEDLE WENT IN. Isn’t our God wonderful? It was as if she was right there by my side. And she is the QUEEN of making awkward situations feel 100% completely NORMAL. I smiled.
After the numbing, clicking and retrieving was over, the pressing and dressing began. Pressure had to be applied to stop the internal bleeding while detailed instructions were given regarding aftercare and restrictions for the coming days. Thinking I was almost finished with the whole ordeal, I was shocked to be informed of yet another prize.
Tell her what’s she’s won, Johnny!
Cue eyeroll.
Another MAMMOGRAM! Because she hadn’t been prodded poked massaged viewed cut or exposed enough for one day! Huzzah!
Bugger.
At that point I decided once and for all that a mammogram ritual would be a critical addition to my life. A song? Poem? Costume? Hmm. Stay tuned.
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in Me.” -John 14:1
The entire time I was examining the ceiling tiles while I lay on the exam table for both the ultrasound and the biopsy, the worship and praise music continued to battle against the negative thoughts and emotions that threatened me. The Spirit strengthened and calmed me. I never for one second felt alone. As crazy as it may sound, as I looked up, I imagined (or saw) Jesus above me, reaching his hand down and inviting me to grab ahold. To cling to Him. To walk each step with Him, one day, one moment, one breath at a time.
So that’s what we did. Together.
Worthy Of My Song by Phil Wickham
(click to listen)
I'm gonna sing 'til my heart starts changing
Oh, I'm gonna worship 'til I mean every word
'Cause the way I feel and the fear I'm facing
Doesn't change who You are or what You deserve
I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
Yes You are, yes You are, Jesus
You're worthy
And in the blessing, in the pain, You are worthy
Whether You say yes or no or wait, You are worthy
Through it all, I choose to say, "You are worthy"
I'll never stop singing Your praise
No, I'll never stop singing Your praise
And when I finally see Your face, I'll cry worthy
And when You wipe these tears away, I'll cry worthy
Above every other name, You are worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
Nubby: In 2010, our family traveled to Europe. J. had to fly home to work but the kids and I stayed and traveled a bit more. While in Iceland, a few days before we came home, I was tired, sneezing from the smell of incense somewhere nearby, and awake at 2 am because of the Midnight Sun. I was missing J. and so I posted on Facebook, but I had a typo. I typed “nubby” instead of “hubby”. The kids have never let me live it down, so now it’s just a cute nickname. ❤️
