THE UNVEILING
“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.”
Managing my own expectations has never been a forte of mine, but in all honesty, I was doing pretty well so far. I had been told that biopsy results would take several days, so I should prepare myself to wait through the weekend. The nurse said, “Don’t read the test results. They won’t make sense to you. Wait for my call. I will call no matter what.” So, I intended to not only follow the biopsy after care plan to a T, but also heed the nurse’s advice and not jump to conclusions after Google sent me on a goose chase of doom and gloom.
Friday morning passed with some errands, car service appointments and the excitement of trying a new Mexican restaurant for lunch with my dear friend R.. She had been my first call for help when this journey began and we longed to see each other face-to-face. After ordering a margarita (which I never do), a test result popped up on my phone. I had promised J. I would call him so we could read the results together. Blah blah blah negative blah blah blah. Woohoo! It’s negative! Hallelujah! Back to my chips, taquitos and flautas. I could sense the probability of a sweet sopaipilla for dessert too!
I listened as my friend poured out her heart, describing the challenges she was facing and the heartbreak it was causing in her life. Tears fell. Hugs were given and we toasted to good news and hopeful futures. Moments later I was in my car, filled and restored and grateful to have had such sweet time of connection and fellowship.
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. - Matthew 7:25
I had been waiting to hear from our daughter A. who had been on a 2-day personal retreat. Thankfully I had used my brain before I notified the kids about my biopsy, and opted not to bother A. until we had more info. Her hubby M. had finally told her about my biopsy, so she called to catch up. She seemed guarded, cautious. As a CVICU nurse constantly exposed to critical trauma, that made sense.
Then, another call came through with a prefix I recognized. It was the clinic.
L.: “Hi, is this Ellen? I’m a Nurse Navigator from the Jane Brattain Breast Center. I have your biopsy results.”
Me: “Yes, this is Ellen.”. I gulp. Hold my breath. Wait.
L: “Well, unfortunately the results show that the mass in your breast is invasive lobular carcinoma. I will be assisting you with your appointments and be available for any questions or concerns you have. Do you have some time now to look at your schedule?”
Forty minutes later, emotionally drained, I had appointments set up for a breast MRI, genetic counseling, a surgeon consult and a follow-up meeting with L. to discuss the MRI results. I felt numb, stunned, cold. It felt like I was moving in slow-motion.
I texted J., “call me please”. I shared the news. Was I okay? Yes. I had close friends who would drop everything to be with me. No need for J. to come home. I was doing okay. Next, I moved in a fog through calling daughter A., son A., texting V., K., and my small group ladies who had been faithfully covering me in prayer. My parents were the next call, then messages to my friends E. and M.
I HAD CANCER.
My word of the year came into crystal clear focus:
BEHOLD.
I began keeping track of all the blessings I noticed each day. Today, I still had so much to be thankful for. Today, I would begin keeping a daily list of what God placed before me - the good, the provision, the protection, the details. He had not left me and invites me to let Him help me carry this burden.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30
BEHOLDING
An MRI appointment within five days
A genetic counseling cancellation that opened up the time for me
Seeing an eagle in flight
My nurse navigator being born and raised in Montana
Finding out that all my “kids” had been texting, calling and supporting each other. Be still my heart. ❤️
Spending the past week practicing trust and not giving into fear
So many caring family and friends who reached out and/or prayed for me
Good pathology reports in several areas. I am estrogen positive, progesterone positive, and HER2 negative
My daughter and my mom are both nurses who are always willing to review my test results and help me understand them
"Behold Him" by Paul Baloche
(click to listen)
He who was before there was light
Walked across the pages of time
He who made every living thing
Behold Him
Jesus, Son of God, Messiah
The Lamb, the roaring Lion
Oh, be still and behold Him
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Worthy, worthy, worthy
To receive all praise
