DESERT ROAD
“The holy one, the true one; what He opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.”
Ups and downs. Stability and tears. Plans and the unknown.
Today was a day where I truly felt each polarizing step on this desert road. I noticed a beautiful red cactus flower on my right, and as I turned to continue walking, I ran smack dab into a prickly pear, quickly recoiling in pain, frustrated that I was unable to avoid the collision. Each day I try to BEHOLD the blessings, forcing myself to live in the present and set my focus on what is good. Some days I just can’t avoid the jabs.
Thank you, Lord, that I have medical insurance. Thank you Lord, that some of the costs of my cancer screening, diagnosis and treatment are covered. Thank you Lord, that I live near excellent health care with a myriad of options available to me.
But dang, trying to estimate costs or plan where to do treatment or when to schedule treatment is a pain in the a**.
Two (somewhat) helpful people opened the door today to what will be an on-going conversation, or should I say, frustration, with managing my upcoming medical costs and schedule. Trying to cope with this new normal, I had already pictured myself going to radiation in a local Montana hospital, and then returning to my happy place in the mountains to rest and recover.
It wasn’t meant to be. It is out of network, and cost prohibitive. The tears welled up, then pooled at the corners of my eyes and before I knew it I was sobbing my way down Highway 494. I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED.
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105
God: “Ha! You think you can plan and predict and control this?"
Ellen: “Well, it would be nice to feel like I have a grasp on SOMETHING right now.”
God: “You do. You are holding my hand and I am holding yours.”
Ellen: *smiles through the tears and grimace on her face*
We are never promised full illumination; only the next step on the path. This is actually a gift. Can you imagine if we were given the ability to see everything that would happen to us for our entire lives? WOAH. No thank you. But I still have moments where I would like to see JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER, please.
My word of the year is now etched in my mind and on my heart. Stay the course, Ellen. Recite the truth, dear one. Notice all the tiny, intricate, lovely gifts each day.
BEHOLD.
BEHOLDING
A joyful video of a dear friend trying to catch gigantic fluffy snowflakes on her tongue
Daily “how are you doing” texts from my friend who is linking arms with me in this battle
A quiet, comfy place to sit and wait for my car to be serviced
Affordable doggie daycare
The owner of the dealership calling me “kiddo” and asking me (TWICE!) how I was doing while I waited for four hours
Before getting out of bed snuggles with Gracie
J. carrying things to the lower storage for me
Discovering an old friend who is recovering from breast cancer and setting up a brunch to hear her story and share mine
Sunshine (FINALLY!) through the window, basking and being completely, contentedly warm and cozy
Encountering a homeless person, having a protein bar handy and having her say, “God bless!”
A woman kindly opening the door for me at the library
Seeing two soaring eagles
A sweet note and reminder of my aunt’s faithful prayers for me
Chatting with a long-distance friend and learning that God has used my scripture cards to impact others
Successfully getting Gracie’s nails cut!
Coming home to a freshly cleaned house (thank you M.!)
A sweet girl asking for some playtime with Gracie
God awakening me to the idea to use some pink fabric I have collected (lots of it!) that WAS intended for another project but NOW may become some type of quilt to signify my breast cancer experience
DESERT ROAD BY CASTING CROWNS
(click to listen)
Lyrics:
I don't wanna write this song
I don't want this pain to be my story
I don't want this desert road
Are you sure this is the plan that You have for me?
Out here in the dust and clay
God, if there's a bigger picture
It's gettin' hard to see today
But I know that You won't leave me
I don't know where this is goin'
But I know who holds my hand
It's not the path I would've chosen
But I'll follow You to the end
Lord, as long as I am breathin'
I will make Your glory known
Even if it means I'm walkin'
On this desert road
