“I have called you by name. You are mine.”

— -Isaiah 43:1

The night before an MRI doesn’t usually lend itself to good sleep. Trepidation Tales about a clanging claustrophobic tube that would confirm my cancer wasn’t really the bedtime story I was hoping for. 😐

The next morning was stupid early (for me) but we went through the normal motions: alarm, bathroom, robe, slippers, stumble to coffee, back to our room to get dressed. Lots of snuggles with our dog Gracie in between. Warm up the car, grab the prescription bottle, slowly wake up on the quiet ride to the hospital. Nurse Daughter A. had said, “Mom, just take the Valium.” She knew I would try to tough it out, to minimize the stress of a first-time MRIer (is that a word?) and end up regretting it. So I did.

Opting for the first available appointment, I agreed to either a male or female MRI technician. Modesty is a luxury I will not be able to afford for some time; better get used to it ASAP. Thankfully, it was a friendly, efficient female. Quick instructions were given: Scrub pants over my underwear, put my socks and shoes back on; On top, get naked. Then, first gown open to the front, second gown open to the back. Meet her in the hall. At the last minute, I grabbed my phone, knowing I would want to chronicle this moment in time. After the IV was in, I asked to take a quick pic of the room, and we were good to go.

As far as tests go, this was was PRETTY SWEET. I had seen some drawings online of a cold, flat metal table with a special hole cut out for my b**bs to drop through. Yeah, that looked weird, not gonna lie. So imagine my DELIGHT when I saw a nicely padded table with pink handles to use for positioning. I climbed up, knelt down, leaned forward and let them dangle into the hollow chamber. I knew to ask for a warm blanket, and the valium was kicking in. I WAS RELAXED and I was COMFY.

Then, she reached under my torso and delicately said,

“I just need to move some of this tissue out of the way.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DID SHE JUST MOVE MY FAT???? (I’m still giggling about this 🤣) I tried to hold my body stationery while I suppressed my chuckling and then settled in for the duration.

Her: “Ellen, this first one lasts about 3 minutes. Try to lie very still.”

Me: “Okay, sounds good!”

Her: “Alright, that one is done. Next one is 8 minutes. You doing okay?”

Me. “Mm-hmm. Yup.” (starts drifting…)

Her: “Great! Just one more, this time 4 minutes. You okay in there?”

Me. :” “

Her: “Ellen?”

Me: “Yuuuuppp…..” (falls into sweet oblivion)

Her: “All done!”

Honestly, I had worried FOR NOTHING. It was painless, warm, comfortable, and quick. The headphones she gave me kinda worked, and I have some recollection of choosing for King and Country when she asked me who I wanted to listen to. I think I mentally sang along to about 30 seconds of the first song. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The reprieve of the morning wore off and eventually the telltale notification popped up again. My results were in.

RIGHT BREAST: 1) 2.0 x 1.7 x 1.8 cm an irregularly-shaped enhancing mass at the 2:00 position corresponds with the location of the known malignancy.

2) No visualized lymphadenopathy. 3)No other suspicious enhancement in the right breast.

LEFT BREAST: 1) No suspicious enhancement.

RECOMMENDATION AND FOLLOW UP: Surgical consultation.

Double the size we thought it was, but lymph nodes and left breast seem to be clear. Ok, I’ll take it! But, can someone please tell me what stage cancer I have???

Next stop: A video appointment with a genetic counselor. We reviewed my family history which produced a neat, colorful little org chart. In my family, there is history of cancer: breast (great aunt), colon (grandma, first cousin), vaginal (grandma), kidney (first cousin), leukemia (first cousin), lymphoma (uncle), pancreatic (grandma). I opted to go for the testing and was fortunate to schedule a lab draw later in the day.

Still without the final verdict, I reached out to L. and left her a message. She soon called with the answer: STAGE 1/EARLY STAGE CANCER.

The following morning, J. & I had an hour conversation with L. where she had visuals and explanations and answers for EVERYTHING. God bless her. Knowing she was born and raised in Montana had bonded us, and then…THEN…we were telling her about our daughter’s BFF from Brazil - L. IS HALF BRAZILIAN. I mean, C’MON. REALLY? How is this possible? Wow. Just, WOW.

He truly, definitely, kindly, faithfully is in EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL.

BEHOLDING

Wet but not icy roads
Holding hands with J.
M. messaging me before the MRI
A. texting funny things before the MRI
A. sending a daily Sage video
A wonderful, female technician who didn’t mind that I nearly slept through the entire MRI (thank you Valium!)
Appointment open for a lab draw for genetic testing
Text from E., call from P.
L. personally calling with MRI results
K. & K. impromptu visit with K. taking Gracie for a long walk for us
An easy decision on choosing a realtor

"Surrounded (Fight My Battles)" by Michael W. Smith

(click to listen)

This is how I fight my battles
This is how I fight my battles
This is how I fight my battles
This is how

It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You
It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You
It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You

This is how I fight my battles
This is how I fight my battles
This is how I fight my battles

It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You
It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You