ADRENALINE
“God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved.”
It was the second day I woke up with the knowledge that my cells had declared mutiny on my body. The questions were lurking around every corner.
Was the cancer spreading and growing every second?
Was that a lump I could now feel? Or just my imagination?
What if I lost my breasts? I mean, one doesn’t just lose them, but what if they were removed? Would I still feel like a woman?
How would J. see me? How would this impact our relationship and intimacy?
How were the kids doing? Was A. scared about her future as a daughter of someone who had breast cancer? Was A. talking to anyone or just managing alone?
Was that twinge I felt in my left breast evidence that it was taking over my body?
Would I be strong, brave, positive?
Was I going to die?
…
Get yourself an A+ fierce, loyal, hilarious, prayer warrior small group family and anything is possible.
To R.: Thank you for answering my first frantic text, for not pausing one second before grabbing your hubby and praying for me. For keeping tabs on my mood and holding me accountable to go to pickle ball and show up for in-person worship. The first time I really cried was when your dear husband hugged me as I sat down for worship. You and K. are invaluable and irreplaceable in our lives.
To D.: You never, ever forget. Your messages drift down from heaven as light, lovely gifts, reminding me I am seen, known, heard and PRAYED FOR. Thank you for holding me accountable to get off my butt, scrap the pity party and show up to sit beside you in OUR ROW GET YOUR FACE TO A DIFFERENT PLACE PEOPLE. Your and L.’s hugs also brought on tears that morning.
To D.: The scripture that you sent to me as I was reeling from the approaching fear and listing towards oblivion PULLED ME BACK HOME. So many nights I listen to the Prayer of St. Patrick as my jumbled thoughts and emotions keep me from sleep. “Christ with me. Christ before me. Christ behind me. Christ in me. Christ beneath me. Christ above me. Christ on my right. Christ on my left.” and so on.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. - Psalm 139:5
To J. & P.: Just hearing your voices over the phone has lifted our spirits when we didn’t realize they were being dragged around in the dirt. The joy and laughter you bring into our lives is immeasurable, especially during the past few weeks.
To D. & M.: We know you walk this road with us, raising up prayer and worship and speaking truth and grace.
AND THEN THE DAM BROKE. 😭
J. came home. It was like my heart shattered and I stood there, in the mud room, looking down at the mess and wondering how on earth I had gotten there. The tears fell and the shoulders shook and I WAS HELD. My limbs turned to noodles and a wave of fatigue washed over me as the adrenaline that had been pulsing through my body finally, FINALLY began to leak out as the bottled-up emotions rose up up up and ran down down down my face.
Fear. Confusion. Shock. Fury. Devastation.
HOPE.
BEHOLDING
Hugs from K., D., R., L., J. at church
Singing a worship song that I always sing when hiking alone in the mountains (to scare away the bears lol)
A silent pedicure
SUNSHINE
Connecting with A.’s mom A. who was reassuring, kind and a wonderful resource (she is still recovering from breast cancer)
A short line at Starbucks
Pink nail polish called “Dance”
Having friends to sit with at church and encourage me to attend in-person
J. coming home early
The Chosen Season 3: Episode 6
Weekly chat with our son A.
"LOVE DISPLAYED" by Justin Kintzel
(click to listen)
He is love displayed
Grace and justice now collide
He is ransom paid
In flesh and blood alive
He is kingdom come
He's the one great miracle
Shining like the sun
He is love displayed for all
