DAY ONE
“Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”
The sun burst through my window as I drove Gracie to daycare, thankful that I had planned ahead and didn’t have to face the slippery path to take her for a walk. I wanted to simply close my eyes and soak it up. Today I did not wake up refreshed. It was as if overnight I had morphed into a cement statue who didn’t realize she was intended to be stationery. Murkiness seemed to surround me, but I knew if I just took my time, one step at a time, and stayed present that I could maneuver through the hours.
Gracie’s LEAST successful training was teaching her to wait quietly when a new person arrives. Wow. She really stinks at this. She sits nicely before I open the door to daycare. Once inside, I quickly order her to “sit” on the rug just inside reception, where she immediately begins whining. Then, I make her “lie down”, and step on her leash so it’s nice and short, intending to limit her range of motion. Then the giggling ensues. The receptionist tiptoes every so slowly towards Gracie. Gracie pops up. She is ordered to lie down again. “Wait”, I say. Another step. Gracie whines. I giggle. The receptionist tries to keep a straight face. And this repeats ad nauseam until FINALLY IT IS OVER and Gracie can go play. Makes me seriously laugh out loud every stinkin’ time.
J.’s gone snowmobiling, and Edelweiss Bakery is open, so that means a fresh, homemade caramel roll is gonna be in my belly soon. The sun is still shining, so I don’t mind the wait. Next, to treat myself to flowers. I navigate the roundabout and miss the turn to where I THINK a flower shop might be open. As I wait for my turn to enter the roundabout again, I turn to my right. There’s a sign poking up above the large pile of snow in someone’s yard.
Faith. Hope. And a pink breast cancer ribbon.
Hey God. I see you. I hear you. Thanks for the encouragement. I know you are here and I am not alone.
Stems & Vines is a beautiful store and my senses take in all the sights, sounds and smells. Perusing the flower cooler, I can’t really see anything I like. Of course, I can’t choose anything but PINK today, right? Hmm. Carnations? No. Roses? Naw, they die too quickly. Oooohh. Now we’re talking. I spy a (very) expensive ready-made arrangement, and peeking out on top are flowers I immediately recognize: gladiolus. Pink gladiolus.
I grin. He’s doing it again. 💕🙏🏻
See, my grandparents used to plant several thousand glads each year. You have to plant each bulb in the spring AND dig them up each fall to store them. I also remember that the sister of my glad-growing Gram died of breast cancer. Yup. Pink glads are PERFECT.
Unfortunately, I’m not willing to pay the price for an oversized solution to my need for nature. The clerk comes out from the back room, “Can I help you find something?” I tell her I noticed the glads in the cooler and am just curious about whether she might have any more?
YES. YES SHE DOES. 3 of them. JUST FOR ME.
“And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” - Jesus in Matthew 6:27
Once they are on the table, my caramel roll is warmed up and my coffee is in hand, my phone starts buzzing. WhatsApp alerts me to an incoming video call from M. The two of us work hard to stay connected over thousands of miles, and today we laugh and commiserate about the ungraceful, gawky moments dealing with women’s medical issues. We take turns picturing each other in wispy, misshapen gowns with our nether regions open to air and sea and ALL the medical personnel. The more the merrier, I guess!
My friend E. calls after waiting patiently to hear about my diagnosis and story. We have been friends for many moons, since our adult daughters have been in diapers and our hair was naturally NOT grey. We have seen our share of ups and downs. Her kind ear, gracious encouragement and spot-on humor filled my soul and I was able to attack the cleaning and organizing that needed to be done before our renters moved in.
Because it can’t just be one thing. It has to be ALL the things.
This year, we made the decision to raise our insurance deductible because “we are generally healthy people, right?”
…
Then, we decided to delete ALL of our income by shutting down not only our Airbnb in Minnesota but also our Airbnb in Montana. “Let’s spend more time in the mountains this year. It’ll be fun! It’ll be easy!”
…
Why don’t we rent our basement to a family from church for a few months? And put pressure on ourselves to purge ALL of the extra stuff that we had in the Airbnb all at once! Yay! Look at us! We’re doing it!!!!
Good. Grief.
But, that’s not all folks!
This is the year we wanted to decide if a permanent move to Montana was in the cards for us. So we have been meeting with realtors and trying to trim down the massive superabundance that we no longer want to store, move or care for. In case. Just in case.
Day One is almost over. I made it. I had sweet moments, sunshine, work, movement, laughter, and tears. I was protected, provided for, encouraged, supported, loved, seen, known and heard.
Fear - you can take a flying leap. My present is a PRESENT that I WILL. NOT. MISS.
“Good morning. Just to let you know you and J. are in our prayers and thoughts as you start your day in the knowledge of the cancer diagnosis. We’re naming it out loud-into the light of God’s love. Then the word loses any power over you. I’m sending prayers for the Spirit to guide your heart & minds through the day in all that you need. Because He knows it all. Love you even more today, dear one. - P.”
BEHOLDING
waking up to sunshine….FINALLY
seeing a sign that said, “Faith, Hope” and had a pink breast cancer ribbon
discovering pink gladiolus at the flower shop and taking them home with me
chatting with M. and sharing funny stories of awkward medical moments. “Do you mind if the student has a look?” 🤣
beautiful, comforting, inspiring words from P.
finding out daughter A. offered to fly home
J. calling
R. giving me a tiny gift bag with pink beauty products from a gift I gave to her 💖
E. calling for a long chat
A. giving me her mom’s contact number so I could hear her breast cancer story
"Shepherd's House" by Quay Worship, Justin Melton
(click to listen)
For the one who’s on the run you set a banquet
Where your presence gives me everything I need
You’re a shepherd and a Father who is faithful
It’s enough to be with You and you with me
You let me rest in meadows that are greener
Than the colors of the rainbow I have seen
Your beauty and your love are chasing after
You have caught my heart, I‘ll follow where you lead
I won’t fear ‘cause I know you are with me
When the shadow passes over, at your table I find peace
Your goodness and mercy they’re tracking me down
Oh my cup is overflowing in the Shepherd’s house
Your beauty stills my breath and then I catch it
And by the whisper of the waters you have stilled
And I know I’m going in the right direction
‘Cause I’m walking with you and I always will
Then I will dwell here, it is well
In the Shepherd’s House, In the Shepherd’s House
And I’m made whole here, I am home
In the Shepherd’s House, in the Shepherd’s House
When you say that my time on earth is finished
And you lead me over to the other side
Even in the valley you are in it
My faithful Friend is walking right beside
My faithful Friend is walking right beside
