FACING LIMITS
People were racing by me, heading to baggage claim or their departure gate. They swooped and pivoted as they nearly ran me over. Although it had minimal impact to them, inside I was spiraling down. It was humiliating to painfully, slowly limp all the way from Gate A1 to Gate A29. My racing heart demanded a tortoise-like pace. Some steps felt like a chef’s knife was mercilessly stabbed into my knee, causing a terrible burn and making it nearly impossible to bear weight. I looked like a crippled, old woman, barely able to move.
“Just one more step. Take your time, Ellen. It’s ok.”
The tears thankfully never made it down my face. I gulped them down. No need to have a pity party here in the airport.
Two days before I had watched as my son, his girlfriend, a family friend and my nubby sped up the trail together in Muir Woods, heading for a long, beautiful hike. I lagged behind, leaning on my trekking poles as I gingerly put one foot in front of the other on the flat boardwalk. Their hike: 9 miles. My hike: 2 miles. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do anything CLOSE to that kind of hike. I found a solitary sit-spot to work on my gratitude list.
The sound of gurgling water in a tiny stream
Sunlight bursting through the ginormous Redwoods
A fallen tree covered in moss that made a comfy resting spot
The wind rustling leaves high above me
A child’s delighted giggle
Perfect hiking weather
The privilege of travel
The graciousness of a son who invited us to visit
“But God will never forget the needy. The hope of the afflicted will never perish.”
No one tells you that surviving breast cancer isn’t a piece of cake. Cancer has been removed: ✅ Survivorship side effects: 😭
As I moved through diagnosis, surgery, and radiation, I could feel the continual support, encouragement and prayers from many friends and family. Community carried me and cared for me. Limited choices led to a crystal clear purpose for my days. I just kept going.
Then, one day, I was done. I was so relieved to step away from constant interaction with the medical community, so excited to know I had done everything I was supposed to and received a positive outcome. Celebrate! The hard part is over! Huzzah! I’m finished!
Boy am I grateful for a positive outcome! For not facing chemo or losing my hair. I have a body that is mostly still intact. I AM STILL ALIVE.
You may ask, “So what’s the problem? Cancer is gone. Surgery is done. Radiation is complete. Everything is back to normal, right?”
—————>>>>> L O N G P A U S E <<<<<—————
NONE of the women I know who survived breast cancer are DONE. They have left behind their former selves and are learning to live with a new version, one that carries new challenges and limitations. It’s been a roller coaster of a year. Some days I felt like I just got my head above the water long enough to quickly suck in a new breath before I went down again.
Things out of my control that have complicated my recovery:
Hormone blocking therapy (aromatase inhibitor or AI) with significant side effects. With a temporary break from these meds in September, I gained strength, energy and mobility. After trying a second anti estrogen medication, I boomeranged right back into insomnia, severe joint pain, fatigue, depression, weight gain and brain fog. It was BRUTAL. We elected to forego this last step in my treatment. About 25% of women discontinue their AI due to unbearable side effects. I am fortunate that the impact to my breast cancer recurrence is insignificant.
Osteoarthritis in my right knee that steroid injections and PT are not fixing. The research I have done points to the aromatase inhibitor destroying cartilage, and in my case it significantly aggravated the existing inflammation in my right knee. Having given up on things returning to a manageable pain level, I am moving forward with total knee replacement surgery in 2024.
Several tender, painful spots in my breast and underarm. It often hurts when someone hugs me tightly, when I roll over in bed or reach up. Although I am due for my annual mammogram, this is postponed until I can establish a new oncologist here in Montana and find an alternative screening test. Great news! My left side is completely clear! 👏🏻🙏🏻
Ongoing adjustment to newly diagnosed SVT (supraventrical tachycardia). Sometimes, I can break the high heart rate if I notice it, but it is a constant barrier to many daily activities, as my heart rate can jump to over 200 at times. It seems to be triggered by bending and standing quickly, like when I’m cleaning or doing laundry or putting away the dishes. S L O W I N G D O W N is the name of the game now.
In our human DOING versus human BEING world, I am adjusting to a lack of accomplishment, to feeling stares as I stand slowly, pause before walking or limp past someone. Am I the only person dealing with chronic pain and health issues? No. Do others face trials and challenges, often layered one upon another? Yes. Yes they do.
“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
It takes courage to admit I can’t do the things I love anymore. I HATE IT SO SO MUCH. Movement causes pain. Being sedentary moves me in the wrong direction. I want to celebrate. I want to increase strength and stamina. I want to plan trips to see loved ones. I want to hike and play pickle ball and go on walks with friends.
I DO NOT LIKE LIMITS. I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM.
Each morning, I open my hands in surrender. There are SO MANY things awaiting me. In 2024, I am saying YES. In 2024, I am saying I CAN. I can pray. I can listen. I can encourage. I CAN BE PRESENT.
I remember when my beautiful children were little and life was busy, fast and complex. I longed for empty days with time to sort photos, do a puzzle, sew, play piano, write letters, keep in touch with friends.
THE TIME IS NOW.
