A PRAYER

Dear Father……..

THANK YOU.

Thank you for awakening.

As the year turned, you flipped my life upside down. You got my undivided attention. Instead of talking, I was listening.

I am now more spiritually submissive, something I struggled with in the past. I am direct, open, and bold in ways I never was before. I am practicing holding plans loosely, over and over and over again. And practice makes perfect. Or at least, good enough.

Thank you for covering me.

When fear tried to break through and consume me, You stepped in and gave me shelter. When pain crept up, both emotional and physical, you provided resolve, fortitude and courage to face it all. During times when I was tempted to plunge deep into anxiety and fall to pieces on the panic path, you gently took my hand, turned me around and led me to places where I felt unexplainable, all-encompassing peace. Tranquility. Delight.

Thank you for providing for me.

A nurse navigator from Montana. A capable surgeon. SO many lovely medical professionals, a competent and responsive care team. I had extraordinary healthcare.

You showed me the enormity of my faith community, which included longtime friends, beloved family and new friends as well. Their perseverance and faithfulness enriched my soul, turned my eyes to You, reminded me of truth.

Thank you for opening and shutting the right doors.

Appointments opened and medical professionals became lights on my path. My surgery was delayed until a convenient time for me so I could spend precious time with family. Radiation was completed in time for sweet, life-giving time in the mountains.

My plans for the year were put on hold. You slammed the door shut to chemo. You delayed the selling of our home so we could focus on treatment and healing. Then, the door flew wide open to a quick sale, pack up and cross-country move.

Thank you for healing the hurt.

Incisions healed shut, swelling dissipated, rashes retreated. Disappointment from unmet expectations dissolved into a deeper trust. As I let resentment fall from my hands, you gently offered me comfort, understanding and your Presence. You taught me how to overcome the temptation to wallow in chronic pain by sheer self-control, enabling me to leave safety and shelter and head into your beautiful creation for awe, wonder and peace.

Thank you for truth.

Shame came after me tenaciously, always asking why I felt I had the right to feel the way I did. Questioning my qualifications to share my story, to write, to be honest and vulnerable. Shame told me to cower, hide, apologize and shrink.

Instead, You reminded me that You hold me in the palm of your hand, safe and sound. I was reminded that You gave me a voice and that nothing reached me without passing through your hands - FOR A REASON. It is difficult to comprehend the enormous relief I always felt knowing my cancer wasn’t random, it wasn’t the universe dumping on me, I wasn’t just unlucky. Knowing that each moment of my life has a unique purpose has spurred me onward.

Thank you for a supportive and caring husband, family and community.

My nubby, the hero of it all. Daily hugs and comfort. Carrying so much of the load, both figuratively and physically. My faithful encourager, positive light, strong rock. He listened endlessly (and still does!), he was attentive to my needs, smoothed the road we walked, and never - NOT ONE TIME - complained. Lord, thank you for the gift of J. He truly is MY LIFE and MY HEART. For R., who was always #IAmHere. For my mom, eternally compassionate, a tenacious medical advocate. For all my kids standing close by, ready and willing to step in, no matter what the need was. For our small group’s relentless prayers, for far away friends who loved and supported from a distance. For all my family, my aunts, cousins and steadfast friends.

Thank you for never, ever leaving me.

Your Presence. Always. I never felt abandoned, disregarded, ignored. You saw me. You heard me. You carried me, protected me, challenged me, strengthened me. YOU WERE ALWAYS NEAR. Eternally available. Unfailingly kind. Shelter. Protector. Provider. Comforter. Healer. Wise counsel. Listener. Redeemer. Strength. You are real, divine, powerful, faithful and present.

Thank you for a new me.

Most importantly: You opened my eyes and heart to a better way of living. This inverted philosophy of Surrender = Blessing continues to blow. my. mind. As I face new limits, a different normal - my eyes are looking up, my face is lifted up, and I daily experience your goodness.

There is no going back. Only forward. My hand is safely in your grasp, as it always has been. Let me be a blessing to others. Let my experiences during this season of my life be used for your Glory, to raise awareness, to provide support, to connect hurting hearts to truth.

In Jesus mighty name, Amen.