FEELINGS
“You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.”
My therapist encouraged me to share not only the positive I am seeing, but also my honest emotional lows as well. I listened to the book, “A Breast Cancer Alphabet” by Madhulika Sikka which helped me identify some of what’s been going on in my head and heart.
PLEASE HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR: Every single person that has reached out, prayed for me, ASKED QUESTIONS, encouraged me or supported me has done so with humble, gentle, kind and honest motivation to help. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! ❤️
This is NOT me being bitter or critical or whining about hurt feelings or being misunderstood. This is me pointing out things I myself have more than likely done to people I cared about when they got cancer. We are all just trying to make our way through this life, folks!
FEELING: Embarrassed, modest, ill at ease
First and foremost, talking about breast cancer is awkward. The body appendage under scrutiny has several functions, including feeding babies and being a sexual part of the body. You may see my elbow, knee or shoulder, but rarely does one just pop out a breast for examination. In entertainment, clothing stores, books, and online, breasts are often seen as sex objects, which again, makes this SO WEIRD to be talking about. I am modest and rarely expose cleavage, so this entire ordeal is quite unnerving for me.
FEELING: misunderstood, invisible, isolated
Secondly, it is extremely difficult to step deeply into this experience unless you have actually done that. Had breast cancer. One of the most beneficial questions I have been asked is, “How can I help?”. People have walked my dog, listened - just listened, come to my house and painted with me, prayed for me, asked me if I wanted to talk about IT, held me accountable to show up, made me laugh, allowed space for whatever emotion I was holding, reviewed my test results, provided breast cancer resources or simply hugged me. ALL appreciated. 💕
FEELING: frustrated, pressured, a dime a dozen, common
Thirdly, this isn’t a contest. Each woman has a unique experience, and each woman is entitled to cry, scream, drink too much, eat too little, show her scars, get new boobs or whatever turns her crank. Just because I don’t have Stage 4 OH MY GOSH I AM GOING TO DIE cancer doesn’t minimize the trauma of what I’m going through. It’s not necessarily a celebration when I discover I “ONLY” need a lumpectomy or “ONLY” have Stage 1/2 breast cancer or “ONLY” need radiation, not chemo. No one gets a badge for worst cancer, and no cancer experience is easy.
FEELING: disorderly, helpless, angry, temperamental
Fourth, I am VERY UNPREDICTABLE. My mind and heart are being stretched to their limits just trying to set aside this part of my life to stay present in the other areas.
I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS I SAID WHEN I WAS HAVING CANCER.
I tip over easily on some days. I can feel (almost) light as a feather other days. Sometimes I crash, have an ugly cry, throw a pity party or call ice-covered roads h*ll. I may seem over-the-top anxious about something miniscule. I may giggle at something totally inappropriate. I’m just. not. ME.
FEELING: exhausted, weary, alone
Fifth, I AM fighting. I battle EVERY SINGLE DAY. But I’m not in the boxing ring with cancer and I won’t beat it. “No evidence of malignancy” might be an outcome FOR NOW. But, I don’t have much say in the matter. I do, however, know Who Knows All The Things. And I trust Him. Well, most days. There is a BIG difference between being strong, independent, a fighter, a warrior and actually admitting my weakness and depending on God’s strength. Wearing pink, focusing on the positive and minimizing my cancer is different than committing to daily devotions, staying present (and not jumping ahead) and admitting that I can be both grateful that my situation isn’t worse AND be devastated about my situation AT THE SAME TIME. It’s not either or.
QUESTION: I wonder if anyone has made a “How To Interact With Someone You Know Who Has Breast Cancer” flowchart with. (This actually sounds fun - who wants to help me?)
BEHOLDING
Free drink at Starbucks
A clean car, done quickly
Pajamas and robe until 10 am - Success!
A chat with P. that included laughter, grace and words of wisdom
Sweet time with our renters’ family while sharing a warm chocolate chip skillet cookie & ice cream
A beautiful painting from E.
Gathering my quilting material and getting excited about my next project
"The Story I'll Tell" by Nightbirde
(click to listen)
NOTE: Nightbirde (Jane Kristen Marczewski) died on February 19, 2022 after a four-year battle with cancer.
The hour is dark
And it's hard to see
What You are doin' here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know
That down through the years
I'll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here
And I'll testify of the battles You've won
How You were my portion when there wasn't enough
And I'll testify of the seas that we've crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I've walked
Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell
Singing, oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell
Believing gets hard
When options are few
When I can't see what You're doin', I know that You're proving
You're the God who comes through
Oh, but I know (Woo, yeah)
That over the years
I'll look back on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here
And all that is left is highest praises, yeah, yeah
So sing hallelujah to the Rock of Ages
Come on, sing it, all that's left
All that is left is highest praises, so sing it, sing it
So sing hallelujah to the Rock, to the Rock of Ages
It's the story I'll tell
The first of many Sage videos and pics from son A. 🥰
