THE UNKNOWN
“You’re not supposed to know that yet.”
This morning I looked at the variety of hats I could wear, and finally decided upon a grey, prickly, foul-smelling one. As it sat atop the crown of my head, it had the desired effect: irritation, frustration, toilet mood, and eventually anger. I pulled it down over my face, crossed my arms and assumed the pouting position.
WELCOME TO MY PITY PARTY. There will be no refreshments. No conversation. No candles or music or dancing.
Can I show you a house I found on Zillow? https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/244-Dawn-Dr-Columbia-Falls-MT-59912/116328350_zpid/
I closed my eyes and imagined hefting a gigantic sledge hammer over my shoulder, marching into the house and banging the cr*p out of each and every wall. Then, I relished in the feeling of pounding literally a thousand nails into new walls, releasing angry fits of frustration with every swing.
IT FELT SO GOOD.
My kind friend, P., called me after receiving a somewhat confusing link to The Little House on the Prairie that I had shared with her. She hesitantly, gently inquired as to my current mental and emotional state. Well, she didn’t actually ask me that. But you know P. She has a way drawing out the honest pieces, spreading them out on the table to look at, rearranging them and making everything seem hopeful and beautiful and ALL BETTER once again. What a gem. What a gift that she turned towards me with love and grace.
She shared a story of a time in her life where she and her husband R. faced an unknown future. Life was upside down. The path was convoluted. Patience was only a few drops in the bottom of the fractured bucket. P had been confiding her disgruntlement and irritation and impatience with not being able to orchestrate her future, much less even see how to take the next step without landing in a humungous cow pie.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths..” - Proverbs 3:5-6
Funny. God is hilarious sometimes. I’m being serious. He has never and will never tell me or show me the entire plan. THANK THE LORD. If I had seen everything that would come my way during this life, it would have been terrifying and overwhelming and please just let me sit in the corner in the fetal position and leave me all alone.
But.
Can I tell you how many times a day someone asks me what the plan is? PLEASE HEAR ME: Every single person who reaches out to me is kind, loving and cares deeply about me and my cancer journey. NO ONE asks anything with malicious intent. NO ONE. I just wasn’t prepared to finally get myself out of bed, moving, finding balance and then find myself knocked right over by the reminder that I have cancer and do not yet have a treatment plan and CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO NOT BE ABLE TO PLAN???
Sigh.
Guess what P.’s friend did? She leaned over close to P, and tenderly whispered these words:
“You aren’t supposed to know that yet.”
Boom. Nailed it.
BEHOLDING
Playing the piano
Seeing two eagles perched on a frosty branch together
Mom making a scrumptious lunch for us
Our server seeing my scripture cards and being able to gift the perfect set to him
My mom and 2 aunts successfully Zoomed for my mom’s birthday!
Pink and blue sunrise and a few hours of bright sun after lots of cloudy, foggy days
Hugs from my grandniece and grandnephews
(click to listen)
I was there when you looked up into the night
Looking far beyond the stars and asking why
I know you thought you were alone
When you fell into the unknown
All the while my love you were a
Child of mine
I was with you when you couldn't hear my voice
I was hurting when you didn't have a choice
It felt like ashes in the rain
I saw you strong you bore the pain
All the while my love you were a
Child of mine
All the while my love you were a
Child of mine
Let me wipe your tears away
Let me turn your night to day
When your world comes crashing down down down
Let me wipe your tears away
Let me wipe your tears away
