“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”

— -Colossians 1:17

Sometimes it feels like the closer I walk towards something scary or intimidating, the deeper peace I feel. I can only describe it as a covering. Like the angels are slowly gathering behind me, coming together to form a barrier of protection, offering gentle comfort, bolstering my resolve, smiling and confident. It’s almost like they are carrying a cloak that is strong and encircling, yet light and soft. As I move towards the scary unknown, it’s like the dust settles. The water becomes smooth and still. Almost like time slows down. And I know I’m being held. I’m covered in prayer.

It is a feeling of absolute, perfect safety.

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge.
Psalm 91:4

My first round of radiation therapy (RT) happened today. My last day as a 59-year-old. Not exactly what I had planned for my BIG birthday week, but I’m thinking homemade treats may be tagging along tomorrow to share with my radiation buddies as I CELEBRATE MY 60TH BIRTHDAY!!! Woohoo!

On the drive to RT, fear of the unknown started jogging right beside my car. Tried to flag me down. Tried to TAKE me down. I opened my tool box and fought back. LOUDLY singing worship music. Calling a friend. Reciting bible verses of TRUTH. As I accelerated, I raced ahead of Fear and felt victorious.

Then, as I lay on the table, staring up into the machine that would penetrate my cells and take out those potential little troublemakers, fear snuck past the curtain, tiptoed behind my head and whispered, “BE AFRAID. BE VERY, VERY AFRAID.”

And then Fear proudly recited a comprehensive list of side effects and problems and uncomfortable situations and then heaped on a dollop of shame and criticism.

“GO AWAY BIG GREEN MONSTER. GO AWAY. And NEVER COME BACK!” (Do you remember that kids book?)

The radiation therapists discovered they had to redo my mold, and the vacuum was down the hall. Waiting ensued. Chitchat was exchanged. My fabulous tech tenderly covered my exposed chest as I suddenly noticed the beautiful autumn tree photos on the ceiling above the radiation machine. With bedraggled, half-attached random cartoon bird stickers. We chuckled. I asked questions. She provided clear answers. Time ticked by as I lay there powerless, immobile, vulnerable.

The vacuum was attached and the mold inflated a bit. Ahh-relief. The form was then re-molded to the correct shape to allow the machine to pass by to the perfect angle. As the air was sucked out of the mold, I felt it tightening around my arms, my head, my neck, my shoulders. During my simulation I had felt claustrophobic, restrained. But this time was different.

I FELT HELD. Embraced. Protected. Hugged. Secure.

I wasn’t alone. He was there. I wasn’t being crushed or restricted. No. I was firmly in His grip. There wasn’t confusion or worry or fear.

JUST PEACE.

He reminded me that He held the unknown in his hands. He assured me He was with me. Always. Just as he promised.

I smiled. I mouthed the words to the music I heard in my ear as the machine clicked, spun, groaned, lit up and dispersed radiation through my body. Time flew by. It was over. Much of the unknown had become known, and I felt enormous relief. I had never been scared of the machine. I wasn’t afraid of hospitals or clinics or medical staff. I grew up with a gifted mother - the best nurse - and I had always felt comfortable and at home when dealing with medical issues.

IT WAS THE UNKNOWN.

It has always been the unknown. And I don’t think I’m the only one who doesn’t particularly embrace not knowing.

“The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.””

— -Exodus 33:14

Control is an illusion. Independence, strength and accomplishment are ways we deceive ourselves into believing WE are in charge and can take credit.

REMINDER: The breath in our lungs, our hearts that beat, our minds that learn and grow and think are gifts. It is literally impossible to exist without God.

Today, as I relished in total surrender, I was so free, so deeply loved, incredibly, utterly, overwhelmingly cherished.

It felt a bit like heaven.

BEHOLDING

A talented, committed and flexible hair stylist
Free parking for RT
No more masks!
A delightful retreat with resident chickens and horses
A caring, supportive and informative Firefly Sisterhood mentor
Spontaneous convos with daughter A.
Hilarious Sage videos and photos from son A.
Texted prayers and messages from M., S., S., J., R., J., Mom, A., K., B., J., all my aunts, E., H., and C.
Sunshine and a warm stroll
Two days of feeling *almost* normal, dare I say energetic?
A husband who didn’t leave my side all day
FINALLY finding an aloe plant at Mustard Seed
Specialized lotion and soap for RT