RT DIARY
At first, going in for radiation therapy was a bit surreal. Like I was moving as an ethereal creature, not really present or existing. Like I was living Groundhog’s Day (the movie). Some days it just felt like my life was on PAUSE.
Each day is relatively the same. I get up. Drive to the radiation parking area and toss the yellow parking permit up on the dash. I leave everything but my phone and aloe vera gel in the car and head in. I find my name, click on it and check in. Then quickly disrobe and slip into the very familiar mint green robe and sit in the same chair in the waiting area. Soon my name is called. “State your name and birthdate”. I do. Then the robe comes off, joins my phone and locker key on the chair, and I walk topless across the room and climb onto the table. Lie down. Arms up. Grab the handles and scooch into position. Some days I’m perfectly lined up; other times the therapist gently lifts the towel under my torso to reposition me.
Each day, before I go in, I notice other people, quietly waiting. Last week, there were three women who had no hair. My heart sank. They had endured chemo. I wondered about each of their prognoses. I felt my full head of purpled hair and was grateful. AGAIN. This week the waiting room is full of men. I kind of miss my radiation buddy, R. Her smile greeted me each day as we lifted each other up through our shared experience.
On Mondays we all see our radiation oncologist to evaluate our progress and monitor any side effects. My doctor visit goes well. Keep going. Stay positive. Be patient.
The girls say, “See you tomorrow”.
“Stay with God! Take heart. Don’t quit. I’ll say it again:
Stay with God. ”
I want to remember.
I want to see the little joys, the kookiness, the grief, the connections and the purpose in my 21 days of radiation therapy. From the first day, I committed to using my time alone in the treatment room to pray for others. I’m not particularly good at remembering to pray for everyone I love every day. But each day, I listen and wait and observe and every single day someone comes to mind who could use prayer. So when the girls get me all set up and leave the room, I close my eyes and pray.
Below is my daily journal. I will update it periodically during treatment.
Day 1/April 18. See post RADIATION. Prayed for R. & M.
Day 2/April 19. Prayed for S., A., E., & D.
I showed up with newly purpled hair, ready to celebrate my 60th birthday. K. agreed to sing to Happy Birthday to me, complete with an OLE’ at the end.
In order to start radiation, I need to be in the absolute PERFECT position. Today I was lifted, guided, and moved until the girls decided it would be best to just have me sit up and try again. Yes - victory!
J., one of the radiation therapists, asked me about my tattoo. I explained that it was the Greek word pisteuete, which means believe or trust, in the command form. She showed me her tattoo, which was a N-S-E-W compass. It reminded her that her grandma was always where she found home, and she mentioned that now that her mom was also gone, it reminded her of both of them. As I snapped my gown shut, I looked at her, noticing her eyes were full of tears. So, I leaned forward and hugged her. I clung to her tightly, telling her that a hug needs to last 20 seconds in order for there to be a physiological benefit. When I finally let go and stepped back, J. had tears running down her cheeks. On my 60th birthday, when my own daughter was unable to be nearby, I had a daughter to hug. And, this sweet young woman who had already said goodbye to both her mother and grandmother, had a stand-in hugging mom, at least for a few minutes.
Fatigue: Around 3pm, I felt a wave of fatigue, so I napped! Skin: everything normal. Care: lots of water, still stretching to relieve tightness in right side, applying Aloe Vera gel immediately after radiation; Miaderm lotion at bedtime. Clean skin before RT.
Day 3/April 20. Prayed for N. & D.
I remembered the birthday treats! Today I brought in brownies for the radiation therapists. Everything lined up well on the first try!
During radiation, I heard a familiar song in the background. K. said she was testing my fortitude when I told her I had trouble lying still when the SUCKER DANCE was blaring all around me. 🤣
Today I met my radiation buddy, R. She had a very similar cancer, invasive ductal carcinoma. Her surgery was about a month before mine, and she was undergoing 16 rounds of RT. She and I were the lucky ones in the room who still had hair, as neither of us had chemo. She was on Day 10, just a little redness and recommended using Cera-Ve lotion.
Chilly day so GREATLY appreciated the warm fire that J. made and kept tended.
Fatigue: Short nap around 4 pm. Skin: normal. Care: Continuing RT journal and praying, stretches, lotions.
Day 4/April 21. Prayed for K. & J.
Walked at the mall (snowing outside!)
Discovered my radiation buddy used to be a pediatrician and has a brother-in-law who is an oncologist. She had a double lumpectomy and still has bumps near the incisions. She was only having one side treated with radiation and was back to playing pickle ball a few weeks ago! At Day 11 she had minimal skin issues and no problem with fatigue. It was super motivating to hear about her experience.
Busy day with car being serviced (no resolution), clothes exchanged (two trips because the store didn’t open until 11 am), no coffee (Starbucks in the mall closed). Eventually grabbed a book and enjoyed a late lunch at Punch Pizza, sitting in the sunshine. ☀️
Fatigue: tired but no nap. Skin: normal. Care: normal.
Day 5/April 24. Prayed for mom and dad.
Getting the routine down, parking lot full due to regular Monday followup appointments with doctors.
Dr. S. said skin looked good, moving forward as planned. Although I have stiffness in my arm, he said I had good range of motion and probably wouldn’t gain much from physical therapy.
Did a few household & moving tasks, then sat outside in the sun with G. and a good book.
Fatigue. Good energy level all day. Skin: Normal. No adverse effects from a hot bath the night before. Care: Normal.
Day 6/April 25. Prayed for radiation therapists K. & J.
My parents surprised me by driving up for the day so my mom could come with me to radiation. It was such a joy to be able to take her, a nurse, to see the cancer center and where I go every day. Nurse J. started right in with explaining how the process works, and took my mom back into the “control room”. I haven’t even been there! 😝 After treatment, I came around the curtain to find my mom in deep conversation with a student nurse. They were all so kind to her and I couldn’t have been prouder.
It was lovely to spend the rest of the day with my mom doing a little shopping, having a long faith conversation and treating ourselves to a trip to a lovely bakery. Back at the house, my parents helped me sort through the myriad of glassware I have as we work on downsizing and lightening up. We had such a fantastic visit and I really appreciated them making the drive and spending time with us.
Fatigue. Tired from a busy day so early bedtime. Skin. Normal. Care: began increasing stretching exercises, some yoga too.
Day 7/April 26. Prayed for R. & P.
The daily routine started to become monotonous, but the girls are always cheerful, efficient and encouraging, so I always leave with a smile on my face as I realize I completed yet another round.
After changing, I emerged to a gigantic inflated Unicorn costume containing a young woman’s mother! The young woman had lost her hair, and was headed into radiation, and her mom decided it was a good day to be kooky and fun and light-hearted. We took selfies with our Unicorn buddy and all laughed so hard our stomachs ached!
Today was the last day I would see my radiation buddy R., so we took one last selfie, hugged and wished each other the best.
Our friend P. visited in the afternoon, sharing lunch and photos of a recent adventure, which was a nice way to spend the day. Being a physical therapist, she also evaluated the tightness in my right arm and gave me a few helpful exercise. I am one lucky bug!
Fatigue: Almost fell asleep looking at photos, but no nap. Skin: Barely perceptible pinkness. Care: Switched to tank tops, same lotions.
Day 8/April 27. Prayed for C. (double mastectomy today) and R. (last day of radiation!)
I learned about my iXobi radiation machine, how my machine does bigger fields while other machines do more precise treatments. I do not switch to the other machine for my targeted radiation as it's still a "big" target (unlike brain tumor radiation, which is extremely precise).
Found out a friend’s cancer returned 😭
LONG convo with daughter A.
LONG walk with J. & G. I read that walking helps to fight the fatigue. I hit 12,000 steps today and it seems to help!
Been getting headaches on radiation days, not sure if related or not. Also have occasional pain in different areas of my chest - hoping that means things are still healing! :) Still battling low heart rate about once a week so movement is critical.
Fatigue: Tired immediately after treatment; no nap. Skin: normal. Care: Aloe + Miaderm.
One of my FAVORITE Sage videos from son A., who keeps me laughing and smiling with regular content. 🤣
Day 9/April 28. Prayed for D. (recently discovered cancer returned), her husband D., kids M & G.
Enjoyed a nice, warm blanket during radiation.
Long week, so went directly to Red Bench bakery, grabbed coffee and treats and enjoyed a wonderful visit at a friends’s house.
Headache immediately after treatment, tightness across breast and underarm, some soreness in several places, right side often feels warmer than the left. Also having the chills towards the end of the day and at bedtime.
Fatigue: Increasing. Skin: No change in color. Care: Same lotions; continuing stretches.
Day 10/May 1. Prayed for L.’s dad, C (recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer); C (recovering from double mastectomy)
Asked right away for a warm blanket. No need to suffer. :D
J. loved the scripture cards I gave her and she found the perfect place to display them with other bible verse cards she has. Yay!
Was able to get a cortisone shot in my right knee so I can walk w/o pain to try to combat fatigue from radiation.
Received an inspirational devotion about trusting God, remembering He is way ahead of me and I can JUST SIT at his feet and BE with him. 🙏🏻
Fatigue: immediately after treatment, kept coming back throughout the day but kept moving. Skin: nurse and I tried REAL HARD to see some pink lol. Care: Aloe + Miaderm + loose tanks (no bra).
Day 11/May 2. Prayed for S., E. & D.
COMPLETELY messed up my appointment time! Called ahead and it didn’t end up being a problem but this was HUMBLING
A loved one’s missing cat came home - answer to prayer!
Student nurse P. thanked for a set of Inspiration scripture cards I had given her. Glad she liked them! :)
Long walk in the woods/neighborhood with J. & G. Felt good to walk so far.
Discovered tiny flowers in the woods - spring is trying to arrive!
Nice dinner with friends
Fatigue. Felt very energetic all day. No nap. Care: lotions, stretches. No changes yet in skin color.
Day 12/May 3. Prayed for A.’s interview; also for M. & A.
Had another CT scan immediately following treatment. Radiation oncologist needed updated imaging to pinpoint the targeted radiation I will receive for my final 5 treatments. Got to wear a colorful wire so the CT would show exactly where my incision was.
Met I. She was on her second to last day of RT! She was HER 2 positive, had chemo and experienced severe skin issues from radiation.
Enjoyed a peaceful morning on the porch while G. stretched out on the lawn.
Had purchased a ticket to visit the local arboretum, so even though I was tired, went for a visit and enjoyed taking macro photos of the spring flowers.
After returning home, was extremely tired and fell asleep immediately for an hour!
Fatigue: Getting more tired each day. Care: Thicker lotion as I try to protect my skin for the second half of RT. Arm stretches are helping with tightness in the upper inside arm.
Day 13/May 4. Prayed for my friend B.
Arrived early to my appointment and radiation therapist K. spotted me. The following convo ensued:
K: your hair looks amazing! All coiffed and perfect!
Me: Well, I thought it might be time to actually shower. 😉
K. It looks awesome!
K. Leaves. Comes back.
K: Ready! We just had to check to make sure we have a fire extinguisher.
Me: Is that because my hair is so hot? I’m pretty sure my hair is 🔥
K. & J: that’s right! 🤣🤣🤣
It felt good to LAUGH 🤣
Fatigue: Felt slow all day. 30 min nap late afternoon. Care: Feeling twinges of pain deep under incision and side of breast several times a day.
Day 14/May 5. J & S.
I noticed the incision under arm has a dry spot and around incision seems more red? J. thought perhaps a stitch was working its way out?
R. talking with me on my drive all week. THANK YOU!
Learned about a man enduring 39 radiation treatments
Met J. , my new radiation buddy
Fatigue: Increasing. Care: Skin still looks good, arm stretches are helping and tightness is almost gone. Underarm still a bit numb.
Day 15/May 8. R. & K.
Discussed going gray with J. who is just starting the journey. I still have a little bit of purple in my hair. 💜
Older man in a wheelchair who was going in for radiation. He told the nurse he was having a rough day. :(
LONG convo with J. She prays during radiation. She too has struggled with loss of control. She lost her mom a few months ago, right in the middle of chemo and being hospitalized with complications from chemo. Her hair is gone but her face GLOWS. It was so life-giving to chat with her, with someone who carries both hardship and joy at the same time. To bond with another woman facing a positive outcome, but having walked a similar, difficult road. What a sweet gift!
Tried cleaning up the gardens but ended up getting super dizzy and crashed for almost an hour. Got dizzy again making dinner. Having a hard time slowing down...again...
Fatigue: Getting old feeling tired. :( Care: Same.
Day 16/May 9. J. & me.
Woke up very tired after a lot of deep sleep last night.
Daughter A. chatted with me on the drive. I missed the turn. 🤦🏻♀️
Decided to get out of the house and sat at Panera for awhile. The change of scenery was just the ticket. 😉
Remembered that I read somewhere that 50% of marriages don’t survive breast cancer. More prayer needed.
Fatigue: Walking helps, lots of water helps, learning to accept feeling limited and stuck at home, trying not to get sick. Care: Same.
Day 17/May 10. P & J. F. & K.’s kids.
First day of targeted radiation. It takes twice as long since the machine now has four angles it shoots from.
Decided to ask for a warm blanket for these longer treatments.
Found joy in bringing a gift for J. and chatting with her. The girls had to interrupt us for J.’s treatment!
Fatigue: felt energetic enough to run a few errands and manage car service. Care: Increased lotion to combat targeted radiation. Arm is no longer tight! Yay!
Day 18/May 11. J. & husband D.
While in the waiting room, I noticed the song “Freak Out” playing. I giggled. Then, in the treatment room, the song with lyrics, “are you ready? Yes, I’m ready” played and I grinned. After that, the song “Help Is On the Way” played and I struggled not to move as I silently laughed while lying on the table. It was good to laugh.
Asked for a warm blanket again and gave J. a hug for being so lovely to me.
Chatted with J. about how not everyone can step into walking WITH a woman experiencing breast cancer. And that’s okay.
Spontaneously went to see a movie in the afternoon
Discovered a blooming tree on our hill while on a short walk with J. & G.
Fatigue: Going stir crazy by staying home to avoid getting sick and missing a treatment. Waves of tiredness are regular now. Care: Blisters starting where the targeted radiation is. Little red bumps that itch a bit.
Day 19/May 12. I forgot who I prayed for. 🤦🏻♀️
Staying busy selling things on Facebook Marketplace as we prep to sell the house. It helps to have a goal.
Fatigue: Continual. Care: Itching increasing rapidly, I can now see a line across my chest in the radiation field. Tried cortisone cream but it isn’t helping much.
Day 20/May 15. N. & D.
The radiation oncology supervisor, S., and I chatted about real estate. She wants to buy a property near us in Montana so we exchanged numbers to keep in touch.
Celebrated J.’s last day of radiation. Got to hear her story, learn about her family, losing her mom and how she copes with hair loss. She owns a dance studio and I can see her dancing with that stunning smile of hers. She blessed me with a beautiful gift.
Day 21/May 16. J. & A., J. & me.
LAST DAY OF RADIATION THERAPY> WOOHOO!
