NOTHING ELSE
“Few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. ”
Deformed. Invaded. Exposed. Helpless. Weary.
As I bent over one morning to dry my legs after a lovely hot shower, my eye caught sight of my scar. Then I realized, with a bit of horror, how one breast hung naturally (for a 60-year old) and one didn’t. It was bent. Malformed. Indented. Shrunk.
It wasn’t me.
It wasn’t the me I was used to. My body has changed over time, of course. Aging happens gradually, and I have never focused on years on this earth but rather on how I felt inside. Which has always been young.
That morning, I felt emotions on all sides. A part of me is depleted, weary, yet wanting to spring up and return to normality. Yay! I conquered breast cancer! Look at me! I finished 21 doses of radiation treatment! What could five years of hormone therapy do to this surviving body?
As I rubbed on two kinds of lotion to manage my radiation dermatitis, the tears poured down my face.
Tears of relief: I made it. This journey of unknowns that started back in January is now more predictable. Most of the major hurdles have been jumped. Now I only face the side effects of dragging my body back to peri-menopause for the next five years. I know the drill. It’s not fun. But I have managed symptoms before and whatever is coming, I will face it.
Tears of weariness: I. Am. So. Tired. The adrenaline that has been present for months, keeping me from sinking low, propelling me to move and drive and keep showing up, is finally seeping out. The fatigue from radiation is still accumulating in my system. The interminable burning itch on my chest continues to spread. I’m still often dizzy or hit with an abrupt surge of sleepiness. Walking helps, yet it is counterintuitive. But I get up and make myself go.
Tears of gratitude: I am now cancer free. This is a realization that I can’t grasp in one fell swoop. I remind myself often that I am through the hardest parts. That I had excellent health care, a stellar team, kind, compassionate and competent caregivers. That I live in a country where I won’t die from breast cancer. I look up and know I was carried by many prayers, by Him. My road was relatively simple, with minimal hardship.
Tears of acceptance: I am now a different version of myself. My physical body has been cut open, blasted with photons and will now endure a decrease in hormones that does not positively impact my future. Fear will intrude as I go to screening appointments, wondering if my treatment worked, questioning whether my breast cancer will return. Or if it’s already here, but hidden, lurking in the unknown. The path forward is still unpredictable, but isn’t that the truth for all of us?
“Come, and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He has done for me.”
As I drove to my last radiation appointment, I worshipped with tears pouring down my face as I sang.
I’m caught up in Your presence. I just want to sit here at Your feet. Jesus you don’t owe me anything. I never wanna leave.
It was my last day. THE LAST DAY. I emerged from the radiation room and was surprised with a completion certificate. More tears. Grateful hugs to my care team. Selfies with my nurse and radiation oncologist. One last pic in front of the cancer center.
And then...then God blessed me. AGAIN.
At the checkout at Trader Joe’s.
Clerk: “How’s your day going?”
Me: “Good. How about you?”
Clerk. “My mom came in and shopped today.”
Me: “Wow! Is that good thing?”
Clerk: “Yes! It was amazing.”
Me: *hesitantly* “I just had my last radiation treatment”.
Clerk: “You did? And the first place you came was here, to Trader Joe’s?”
Me: *Smiles and nods* “Mm-hmm.”
Clerk. “Just wait here.” She then walks across the store to the flower display. I realize what’s happening and turn to look the other way, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay. She returns with a large bouquet of flowers, lays them on the counter and takes off the tag. AND HANDS THEM TO ME.
Clerk: “On behalf of everyone at Trader Joe’s, CONGRATULATIONS! And, I didn’t just grab one of the small bouquets. I got a BIG ONE.” She grins.
Me: 😭😭😭 “Thank you SO much.” I reach for her and give her a big hug. As let go, she offers even more encouragement.
Clerk: “God bless you”.
My last day of radiation therapy, of treatments that required me to regularly step into a medical facility, was done. Congratulatory text messages flooded my phone. Lunch with a radiation buddy had cemented our strange but divinely appointed friendship. Friends bought us dinner and welcomed us to rest at their home as a quiet celebration. Prayers of thanksgiving and praise continually rose to the heavens.
“To you, then, who believe, He is precious.”
Nothing Else by Cody Carnes
I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never wanna leave
Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You
I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions
I'm sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda
I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never wanna leave
Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
And more than anything that You can do
I just want You
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus
Nothing else will do
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else
Nothing else will do
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else, Jesus
Nothing else will do
I'm coming back to where we started
I'm coming back to where we started
When I first felt Your love
You're all that matters, Jesus
You're all that matters
I'm coming back to what really matters
Just Your heart
I just wanna bless Your heart, Jesus
I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never wanna leave
And oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
Oh, I just want You
